


Murder Most Foul

by paranoid_delusional_valkyrie



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Crack, Death, Gore, Knight Tom Hiddleston, Plot Twist, Princess - Freeform, Violence, dragon - Freeform, knight saving princess from dragon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 07:36:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3520847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie/pseuds/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sir Thomas Hiddleston must face off against a dragon and save a princess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Murder Most Foul

Sir Thomas Hiddleston was racing through a forest atop his majestic steed, Shakespeare, a look of determination in his eye. The noble knight was on a quest to rescue a princess from a vicious, fire-breathing dragon. The princess had been kidnapped by the beast at a young age, and hadn't been heard from since.

The knight shuddered as he thought of all the terrible things the beast could have subjected that poor girl to during her captivity. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Just focus on killing the dragon, and saving the princess before it's too late." This became his mantra as he continued through the forest.

Soon he found a clearing with a path that led to a castle of truly epic proportions complete with a gargantuan waterfall. After dismounting from Shakespeare and unsheathing his sword, Sir Hiddleston went in search of the dragon. 

As he began his hunt, he heard a strange sound coming from the waterfall. "I-Is someone crying? Oh God above, the dragon must be torturing the princess!" The knight ran towards the waterfall brandishing his sword, ready for battle.

Once he reached the fall, he found what appeared to be a weeping dragon. Not wasting a second, Sir Hiddleston sprinted towards a boulder leapt off of it giving him the leverage he needed to get near one of the giant creature's weak spots. He came down near its hind quarters and planted the blade in its flesh. He unconsciously waited for the dragon's anguished cry, but was met with profanity instead.

"OWWW! WHAT THE FUCK?! DID A FISH JUST JUMP OUT OF THE WATER AND BITE MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS?!" 

"I am no fish, you grotesque beast. I am Sir Thomas Hiddleston, and I am your executioner. Prepare to meet your--"

"Now listen up, you shrimp dick fuck nugget.* I don't have time for your motherfucking semantics about how big your metaphorical dick is right now. I am in the middle of an intense trigger session brought on by the temporary absence of my bestie that has resulted in the resurgence of repressed memories of my mother abandoning me right after I hatched. Needless to say, I'm feeling kind of vulnerable right now so you just need to chill out."** The dragon said as it continued to cry.

This is not how I imagined a dragon would behave. "Um, forgive me, but do you think you could stop crying? It's difficult to explain how I'm going to kill you when you're being so emotional." 

The dragon stopped crying and turned to the knight. "Son of a bitch, you sound like a motherfucking douche bag. Do you have a fedora shoved up your hipster hole, string bean?"

"A wha--" But he was cut off as the dragon blew fire at him.

"At last, we battle!" 

"Shut the fuck up, you fucking sack of shit!***"

"Enough of your profanities, you sick, twisted creature."

"Oh I'm sorry. Have I offended your delicate fucking disposition? Here, let me get a balm for your burn." The dragon said as it blew more fire at the knight. 

Sir Hiddleston quickly dodged it, and ran back towards the dragon taking the sword from the its flesh. He sprinted back to the boulder, jumped at it from an angle, and used his weight to propel himself towards the cliff of the waterfall. The knight landed on the rock wall about halfway from the top, caught his foot on a small crevice, and began to climb. 

"Not gonna lie, that was pretty badass. Too bad I'm gonna have to kill ya."

"Tell me, Dragon, do you do anything but talk of nonsense?"

"Wow, really? Here I am paying you a compliment and you go and insult me."

"You just said you were going to kill me, you blasted creature!"

"Hate the player, not the game…Wait, I think I got that mixed up. Let me think….Right, just flip it and it'll totally make sense."

"…You're an idiot."

"BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!^"

"THEN WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT ME?!"

"I am fighting you!"

"This does not qualify as a battle! You are not attacking me, and I am unable to fully unleash my full prowess as a knight of the realm."

"We are having a battle."

"No, we're no--"

"A battle of wits." 

"…If you honestly consider this a battle of wits, I am going to impale myself on my sword right now."

"WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?!"^^ But there was no response this time. The dragon waited for one , but it didn't hear a thing. "Hey, Hipster McFansy Pants, you there?"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Came a loud cry as the knight leapt off the cliff, wielding his sword once again as he descended from the sky.

The dragon tried to follow the path of the man's descent, but the sun obscured its vision. By the time the dragon realized what the knight was aiming for, it was too late. The knight swung his sword down slicing into the dragon's long neck causing the creature to cry out in agony.

When Sir Thomas landed on the ground, the damage was done. The dragon's severed head fell, and when it made contact with the earth, the ground shook, the trees trembled, and the water formed great waves that sloshed onto the land.

The dragon's head had a look of surprise, and when Sir Thomas approached it its eyes turned to the knight. He nearly jumped out of his skin when it quietly rasped "Mother…Fucker," before its eyes rolled into the back of its head. He stood there for a few moments regarding the head before he heard someone calling out in the distance. Sir Thomas looked about excitedly anticipating who the speaker might be. The voice grew louder and he was able to make out what was being said. 

"Chrys, I finally found the latest season of Sherlock so we can watch that tonight!" 

The knight was a tad bit shocked by the happy disposition of the speaker. Also who the hell is Chrys?

Suddenly, a woman on horseback came out of the forest and was making her way toward the waterfall. "Chrys, I'm sorry I was gone for so long, but I found some great stuff we can watch tonight. It'll be fun I promise!" As she got closer to the waterfall and saw the body of the dragon lying still, she knew something was wrong. She quickly jumped off the horse and ran towards the body calling its name.

"Chrys, why aren't you saying anything? Are you sick? What's wrong?" 

Sir Thomas decided to wait for the princess to come around to the front of the body before he would make his presence known. He wanted her to understand just how well he had done his duty as a knight of the realm, and what better way than to stand proudly by the severed head of your defeated foe? Maybe I should put my foot on its head for extra effect. But as this thought crossed his mind, he heard an earth-shattering scream that made his blood run cold. 

"CHRYSANTHEMUM! NOOOOOO!" The princess wailed as she hugged the snout of the dead dragon. She was crying and hiccuping as she ran her hands along the dragon's beautiful scales, its rough texture making her cry even harder as the feel used to bring her comfort when she was sad. She gave no indication that she was aware of Sir Thomas' presence, instead continually stroking the dragon's scales, and sniffling as she buried her head against its snout.

The knight had had just about enough of this. He cleared his throat to get her attention. The princess froze, but did not turn to look at the man so he continued on anyway. 

"My lady, my name is Sir Thomas Hiddleston, and I have come to rescue you from this ghastly creature on behalf of my king. As you can see, I have dispatched this ungodly beast with all possible haste, and have now freed you from its evil clutches. I have done this all for you, my fair lady, and now I humbly ask for a token of your appreciation." He finished as he got down on one knee, and extended his hand.

The princess stood up, her back still turned to the knight. "So, noble knight, you wish for me to show you a token of my appreciation for your generous deed, is that right?"

"Yes, my lady, it is truly my one wish."

"What would you have me do?"

"Well, I would gladly take your hand in marriage, my lady."

"Oh, you would take my hand then, worthy knight?"

"Yes, my fair lady."

"You don't think that's a little presumptuous on your part, asking for my hand?"

"Erm, no, my lady, I don't believe it is."

"Well, I believe that asking for my hand is quite impertinent given the damage you have already inflicted on my friend, Chrysanthemum."

"Chrysanthe-- what?"

"HIS NAME IS CHRYSANTHEMUM, MOTHERFUCKER!" The woman bellowed as she spun around, a sword in her hand which she expertly swung, cutting off the knight's proffered hand. 

She watched it soar through the air before she heard the "plunk" of water as the hand fell into the pond. The knight stared at the stump of his arm, too shocked to react just yet.

"Now let's see how easy it is for you to masturbate." The princess said before she ran towards him jumping up at the last minute and planting her feet on his chest sending him flying backwards. This seemed to knock some sense into the knight as he began screaming and thrashing around once the shock finally wore off. 

The princess stood by and watched for a moment, smiling to herself as the knight was crying and writhing on the ground. Finally, she picked up her sword, and walked towards the knight. She grabbed him by the hair, hitting his head with the hilt of her sword to get his attention. He stopped moving, and stared at her, his eyes full of terror. The princess however, gave him a long, cold glare before she spoke.

"Here is what you're going to do, you cock sucking whorebag. You're going to go back to your kingdom, and tell everyone what happened here, including how I cut off your hand. You're to tell everyone exactly what I did to you, and what I will do to them if they ever think about sending more cunts like you to kill dragons. 

Tell them that I will unleash an ungodly reign of terror on the kingdom if any more dragons are slaughtered. And just for their grievous disrespect, tell them that their land will be torn asunder when I arrive." Sir Thomas' eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh yes, I'm coming. I am going to tear that kingdom apart, and I'm going to mount the king's head on a pike as if I'm metaphorically skull fucking it. I am going to do this to instill as much fear in you all as I possibly can. As if basting a turkey, which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right, I'm going to fuck the fear turkey!"^ The knight stared up at the vengeful princess in abject terror, wanting to run like hell, but fearful he may soil his armor if he did. 

The princess closed her eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath before letting it out slowly. She pointed her sword at him again, making him flinch. "Now why don't you make like a tree, and get the fuck outta here."^^^

Sir Thomas didn't have to be told twice, and swiftly jumped to his feet running into the forest completely forgetting about his horse. Before he got too far, he heard the princess shout. "You tell them I'm coming! TELL THEM I'M FUCKING COMING!"*^

I was far too late to save this woman, far too late. He thought as he felt something warm trickle down his legs as he ran deeper into the forest. 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: References:  
> * Attack on Titan Abridged  
> ** 2003 MTV Movie Awards Intro  
> *** Naruto Abridged  
> ^ Hellsing Abridged  
> ^^ A Very Potter Sequel  
> ^^^ The Boondock Saints (1999)  
> *^ The Limey (1999)


End file.
